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There are a ton of gay and gay-friendly joints around town, but Machine is the black hole of the LGBTQ scene; it’ll suck you in, and before you know it, you’ll be trying to pole dance with the ripped lesbian chick in the trucker hat whose moves are 1,000 times better than yours (just don’t try to Snapchat the experience).

You’ll probably also end up at Paradise, Machine’s much trashier Cambridge cousin.

All the work is done by your very-own matchmaker whom you have direct contact with throughout the entire process - including an in-depth phone interview.

If you don’t actually watch your date entering info into their smart phone, don’t expect them to remember it.

Sure, there are awkward people everywhere, but in Boston, it seems like the lion’s share of the dating pool. Most Bostonian 20-somethings (and a fair number of 30-somethings) live with other people their age, so you better have that Spotify playlist on lock, and the dishes out of the sink by morning.

Accept the inevitability of dating people who spend more time with their Mac Books than their fellow humans, send unsolicited and inaccurate erotic fiction via text message after your first outing together, break out a backgammon board in the middle of a bar but refuse to teach you how to play, or demonstrate how many push-ups they can do (approximately five) in the middle of a crowded Chipotle, while confused onlookers hesitantly order burritos. On the plus side, this means most of us aren’t going to move in with you until we’re good and ready, and even then, we’ll likely make sure there are a few buffer friends in the house so we can try out the whole living-with-you idea before really shacking up.

Not that any of these things have ever happened to me. Unlike in NYC and LA, the people you date will not have professional headshots on their online profiles.

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